


Feeling New

by Boat_Nectar1



Series: All At Once, Again [1]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Candlenights, Canon Trans Character, F/M, Hypersensitivity, Hyperstimulation, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Panic Attacks, Recovery, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, and so is taako, btw taako has basically adopted ango, but barry's the best, lup gets her body back and it's overwhelming
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-05
Updated: 2018-01-09
Packaged: 2019-02-11 03:39:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12926568
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Boat_Nectar1/pseuds/Boat_Nectar1
Summary: Lup is back, finally, in her own body. But the sudden jump from isolated umbrella to fully fledged flesh is overwhelming. This will take some getting used to all over again.





	1. Back Home

**Author's Note:**

> My first TAZ fic right here! Hoping y'all enjoy it. Not 100% sure how far I'll go with all this so ratings/tags may change as is appropriate.

It was like the first bolt of lightning in a storm. At first, Lup felt nothing: the dull, faded numbness she had grown reluctantly accustomed to. Then, it was everything. It was dark in the tank, but as her eyes flashed open, she saw the murky, greenish light pouring in through the glass. She heard the garbled voice, loud and painfully familiar, yet the words rendered unintelligible. She felt her lungs ache, she  _ felt _ it. Soon after, warm hands on her arms. Suddenly, the cold air on her face. She gasps for air. She can breathe.

“Lup! Lup! Are… are you..?” She immediately recognizes the voice. She rapidly blinks the thick liquid from her eyes and, at last, she sees him clearly.  _ Barry. _ His hands gently hold her arms as she steps out of the tank. His face is twisted in concern, but his eyes reveal a sort of awe as they stare, completely focused on her. Lup feels her real, physical heart beat faster as she meets his gaze.  _ That’s my nerd, _ she thinks,  _ always worrying about me too much. _ She smiles; it’s weak, but more than enough for Barry to give out a relieved sigh and grin right back.

She opens her mouth to assure him,  _ I’m fine, perfect, _ but the air gets caught somewhere in her throat. She coughs hard, once, twice, eventually breaking into a full fit as her body clears the last of the fluid from her lungs. She can  _ taste _ it, a sense she hadn’t truly experienced in a decade. Salty. Each cough reminds her of just how long it’s been since she used a single muscle. She buckles forward, barely managing to stay on her feet.

She suddenly feels long fabric draped around her shoulders, held tight as Barry wraps his arms around her, trying to keep her stable. “Lup! Oh my gods, are you okay? Y-you- It’s alright. I-I’m- I’m here.”

“I-” Lup barely manages to get out before her legs finally gave in, already sore from standing, and falls right on her ass.  _ Hurt _ . Something else she barely knew.

“Shit!” Barry exclaims, “I-it’s okay, just-”

Lup presses a finger to his lips, silencing him. She looks down at herself. At  _ her body _ . Almost exactly as it had been on that last, fateful day. Her long legs are shaking just slightly, from the cold of the cave floor or the fall, she doesn’t know. The warm, brown skin is still marked by several small scars from various accidents years ago. She makes a mental note to shave later. She is incredibly relieved to see that she wouldn’t have to transition again. Despite having planar system’s best transmuter in the world for a brother, the spell needed is by no means quick and definitely not cheap on the components. She’s dreaded the risk of having to experience that part of her life all over again. She pushes those fears to the back of her mind now.  _ Now, _ she thinks to herself,  _ everything can be okay. _

She sees that Barry had wrapped a red robe around her and smirks at the memory. It has been a terribly long time since she’s worn one last. She pulls it tighter around her freckled shoulders and chest, tugs the cloth up over her legs, putting together some sense of decency. In a quiet voice, she manages to comment, “I forgot how good I look.”

Barry laughs and presses a kiss to the top of her head, tucking a piece of her long hair, still wet and disheveled, behind an ear. “Absolutely beautiful,” he whispers. He sits back on his knees with just a hand resting lightly on her shoulder, as though she’s something both precious and frail.

Lup turns to face him as she ties off her robe at the top. She looks him straight in his dark blue eyes, which have gone teary, with a completely serious, unwavering expression. “I’m about to kiss your fucking brains out.” Barry blushes and stutters to reply, but all too slow. She frantically reaches up, pressing a hand to either side of his face, perhaps a bit too hard, but neither seems to care. Barry tenses up as Lup pulls him in, pressing her lips to his. His lips are chapped, but his face is soft. Initially rigid, she soon feels him relax into a smile against her. She feels the cool streams of tears rolling down her cheeks. When had she started crying? She didn’t care. It was the first time she had touched him, touched  _ anybody _ , in a decade. It was all so much. Too much. But she wanted this. She just didn’t have the energy to think.

Barry moves his hand from her shoulder to the back of her neck. He feels warm. Feels soft. Smells just faintly of sweat. He holds his other hand firmly against the small of her back. Relying on memory, Lup kisses back deeper. Just like she used to. Just like it used to be. She wants that back so much. She tries desperately to focus. Tastes like peppermint. She hasn’t  _ felt _ in so long. Smells like sweat. It’s all so much; all at once. Feels warm. Sounds soft. It should be nice. It  _ should _ be. Feels, smells, sounds, tastes, all at once, all too much,  _ too much. Just think of nothing. Go back to nothing. Numb. Stop. Nothing. _

“Lup?”

She blinks. Takes a deep breath. Looks at Barry. He’s worried again. He pulled away and now his hands are on her shoulders. When did that happen? “Huh?” She asks, not understanding what he thought was wrong.

“You… you froze up there. You just… stopped moving. What happened? Are you okay?” He draws one hand back, terrified that he’s somehow hurt her.

“I… no, no, I-I just…” She coughs nervously. “I got a little… overwhelmed.” In the umbrella, she had to work for every moment of sensation. Any perception required constant effort. All she had to do to lose it all, to retreat into the abyss, was just stop. Just stop, and it would all go away. “I… I’m sorry, I-”

“Don’t be!” Barry insists, a bit too loud. He must notice the way her ears suddenly flick down in response to the volume, as he quickly retracts his other hand and clears his throat. “Um, I mean, don’t be,” he repeats, quieter this time, “I-it’s okay.” He forces a smile in an attempt to comfort her, but she knows he’s still far from relaxed. “It’s just part of the process. It’s been a long time since you’ve been in a body and-”

“No, no,” Lup shakes her head rapidly for just a moment before it makes her too dizzy. She rubs her temples in an attempt to subside the headache beginning to claw at the front of her skull. She chokes back a sob, trying to look strong even as she trembles mostly-naked on the floor. “No, I just… I just wasn’t thinking right. I’m fine. Promise!” She reaches again for his face. “Lemme just-”

“I’m sure you think that,” Barry says calmly as he gently holds her hand before it can reach him, “But right now, let’s just get you home. Okay?”

Lup closes her eyes, takes a deep breath, and sighs. “Okay.”

“Great.” She can see Barry genuinely relax for a moment as he stands to go and grab her some clothes from the table. Soft pants and a top, both just a size or two too big. Incredibly comfortable, if not the most fashionable. But, of course, she’d expect no less by letting good ol’, responsible ol’ Barry pick out her first outfit. She felt like making some crude joke as he helped her dress, but found she lacked the energy. She just quietly got dressed and leaned on Barry as she walked outside.

The road home is just as difficult, even on horseback. While it may be true that no one loves the light like the blind man, even he may be turned away by a flash. It was much the same as Lup is first exposed to the outside world. The sun on her face is warm, which is comforting, but far too bright; she has to squeeze her eyes tightly shut and turn her head away. Barry takes notice and quickly draws out a pair of sunglasses he had ‘borrowed’ from Taako’s wardrobe before leaving for the cave, just in case this exact situation were to occur.

Lup sits upright, almost slipping off the horse more than once, but hopes Barry didn’t notice as he walks ahead, leading the steed by the reigns. The air is much fresher outside than it was in the cave and free from the smoky scent of war she remembers from the last time she was outside. It’s… nicer. Better. Much more peaceful now. Yet the memory haunts her. She pushes it away for now. She just needs to focus on staying upright.

Finally, after what feels to Lup like hours of travel, though Barry assures her it was just thirty minutes, they arrive at their own home. However, to imply it belongs to just the two would be apparently false. Barry had fretted that the vast estate would be too much for just the two of them during its construction, but “nothing too good for the saviors of the world,” the architect had insisted. Now, the large, red-brick house almost always hosts a visitor or two or ten, usually other crew members, almost always Taako. And, judging by the gold, glitter-smothered caravan outside with  _ Sizzle It Up! _ painted in purple cursive, the two immediately know he must have made it back from his most recent tour while they were gone.

A sense of dread hits Lup as Barry helps her down. She looks to him anxiously. “He won’t be upset, will he?”

“What?” Barry asks, confused, as he helps her walk slowly through the vast, grassy front lawn towards the house.

“We didn’t tell him that today-” She draws in a panicky breath. “Will he be mad that I didn’t tell him I’d be getting my body back today?”

“No, no,” Barry shakes his head. Even the slight movement disrupts Lup’s balance against him, just faintly. Yet, he notices, and quickly stills. “Of course not, babe, I-I mean he’ll be happy for you! This is your brother we’re talking about. He could never be mad at you.”

“Once, when we were around forty,” Lup reminisced, “I accidentally set his hair on fire. It took  _ months _ to grow back.” She smiles and gives a light laugh at the memory. “He said he would never forgive me, but the very next day he woke up early and made me breakfast in the morning, acting like nothing had happened.”

Barry smiles too. “Exactly! It’ll be fine.”

They eventually make it to the door, Lup insisting she’s fine walking in on her own as Barry holds it open for her. She walks into the entryway, lazily decorated with hand-carved wooden furniture from Magnus and a beautiful painting of the purple sky they grew up with, a gift from the Captain. Right away, Lup smells what seems in the moment to be the best scent anyone has ever found. From the kitchen, just an open door away, she hears the clang of metal pans and utensils and the hiss of boiling water and smells something cooking, full of garlic and basil. Her stomach growls loudly. She places a hand across it, otherwise stunned, realizing just how  _ hungry _ she is. 

Barry shuts the door with a click. Taako must have heard it, as he quickly shouts back, “Finally home to welcome cha’ boy home, huh?”

Lup feels tears in her eyes at the sound of his voice. It sounds different than it did in her lich form. Clearer, less obstructed. She can’t find the will to speak back. She’s terrified.

“Um, yeah!” Barry calls back, “How’d the tour go?”

Footsteps.

“Amazing, of course. What can you expect when the whole world knows your name?”

She hears him walking towards the open door.

“Of course it doesn’t hurt being the best chef in all Faer-” And then he’s in the doorway. Lup sees him at last: her brother. He’s in a pair of sparkly leggings with a shimmering purple skirt and a white blouse behind his hot pink Taako-brand apron, blonde hair up in a messy bun, wooden spoon in hand. He looks at her with an unchanging expression, cut off entirely as he was speaking by his total shock.

Barry stands by Lup, placing a hand on her arm, as if she might fall over. Lup takes off the sunglasses and forces a smile and weak wave in Taako’s direction. “Hey, bro-bro,” she says quietly.

“You…” Taako begins. His hands are shaking. She sees tears start to run down his face, but he doesn’t betray his thoughts with any expression.

_ Shit, shit, SHIT!  _ Lup thinks, _ He’s upset. I upset him. _

“What the hell are you wearing?” Taako asks in a strained, teary voice. He drops the spoon to the floor and immediately bolts in her direction.

Lup nervously laughs out a relieved breath as Taako reaches her and hugs her tight. She presses her face to his shoulder and lets out a sob. “Barry chose it.”

“Of course he did. Oh my god, Barold. Her first outfit in a decade and you choose  _ this _ ?!” He sobs, clearly overjoyed as he berates the man. “And I thought you loved her.”

“Hey, hey! Of course I do!” Barry protests, “I just-”

“Hush! No. This-” Taako steps back took take a good look at her, voice catching in his throat as it hits him again how happy he was to see her in the flesh. He cleared his throat. “This just won’t do.” He looks up as he turns his back to them, hoping to hide, but Lup sees clearly that he wipes his eyes dry before turning back and grabbing her wrist. “Barold, get the mezzalune off the stove for me. Drain and pour the sauce over. Don’t fuck it up. I have a make-over emergency to attend to.”

Taako initially bolts towards the stairs, but soon notices Lup lagging behind, finding it difficult to command her legs to move. He slows and instead walks next to her. He tries to place an arm around her waist to help her up the stairs, but she immediately shakes it off. “I’m fine,” she insists, instead holding his hand in hers with the other fiercely gripping the bannister. Each step up is increasingly painful, but she doesn’t let it show. She is sure, nonetheless, that her brother notices, always a cautious half step behind her until they reach the top of the stairs.

“This way, then,” Taako states primly as he leads her towards the room she shares with Barry.

She rolls her eyes. “New body, not new mind, goofus! I know where my own room is.”

“Well excu-use me for trying to be a good big brother!” Taako retorts.

“We’re the same age!”

“No, no,” he explains, “See, my body is now a full decade older than yours, biologically speaking. Big brother.” He sticks out his tongue defiantly.

“Well last  _ I  _ checked,” Lup begins, “with my new job, I’m basically immortal, so that don’t mean a damn thing.” She smirks victoriously, but Taako’s expression turns to a simple, soft smile, eyes somewhat pained.

“Yeah. I guess you’re right there.”

She doesn’t mention it.

The makeover is a rushed job. “Fashion is timeless, but that pasta’s gonna be cold as the Grim Reaper’s ass if we don’t hurry,” Taako argues.

“You would know,” Lup throws back with a smirk.

“Oh shut up!” He goes to hit her teasingly across the shoulder, but quickly stops his arm midair, giving her that same look that she might break. “Um, right then. Lemme just…” He quickly claps a necklace around her neck and steps back. “Perfect!” he announces, “I’m truly an artist.” He laughs before looking a bit more serious. “So, um, will you, uh, be needing help down the stairs?”

“No!” Lup insists, a bit louder than she had intended, “I- I’ll be fine.”

Taako nods, still looking nervous, but does not dare argue the matter. “Okay then. I’ll head down now I guess.” He points some fingerguns her way as he leaves the room. “Don’t be late for your first meal now! Here’s hoping Barold didn’t set it on fire somehow.”

She laughs as he disappears from sight, but she can still hear him as he walks away and down the stairs, hear his voice and Barry’s as they talk in the kitchen. It’s comforting to her to have that bit of perception that they’re still here, even when she can’t see them. Still alive. She missed that part of having senses.

Lup stands, legs a bit stronger after having sat on the edge of the bed for a bit, and walks smoothly to the full length mirror next to the window. She admires the look Taako picked out for her first day: light grey leggings and a huge sweater that reached halfway down her thighs. Not as trendy as she had been expecting from him, but terribly comfortable. Given how genuinely concerned he had looked, she supposes that must be why.

Then, she sees her face. Her brownish eyes sparkle in the sunlight streaming in from the window. They’ve gone a bit red, but she can’t find it in her to care. Her freckled cheeks and sharp nose are just as she remembered. Her hair falls gently around her face and shoulders. She runs a hand through it and smiles with her own full, red lips. Such a long time away, but here, in this moment, she feels truly beautiful in her own body.


	2. Old Habits

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lup forces things to seem better... until they aren't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm actually sorry believe it or not.

By the time Lup makes it downstairs, she has stubbed her toes twice, caught herself from falling thrice, and actually hit the ground just once, luckily still on the carpet of her bedroom. The carpet wasn’t luck for the lack of pain, no, that she can handle. Even in the hyperaware state of just having come back into her body, pain is so simple, so singular focused, that she sometimes prefers it.

Rather, she was glad the soft carpet had dampened the sound. Barry and Taako wouldn’t know. They wouldn’t be worried.

Downstairs, Lup passes through the dining room, though she knows they won’t be there. It’s just on the way to the living room and the couch where they eat most all meals except for on special occasions. It is perfectly good dining room with a large, oak table, ten mismatched carved chairs, and a strange plant in the corner of the room. 

The plant has broad, brown leaves. Their coloration makes it appear like they should be dead. Yet, to the touch, it is immediately apparent that they are just as alive and vital as any other. The dark stalk is tall and topped with a single, large flower. A lily of some sort, Lup supposes. It has six wavy-sided petals fanning out, yellow at the base, gradually turned to red by the ends. It was a house-warming gift from Merle. He said he had found the seeds while searching through what was left in the old conservatory of the Starblaster. He told her it reminded him of her. She didn’t understand why.

Just turning a corner, she finds Taako curled up in his fuzzy blue arm chair with a bowl of pasta and a fork, and Barry, already with his denim slippers on, holding two. He sees her and smiles, extending a hand with one bowl out for her. “Hey!” he greets, “Lookin’ good!”

She grins and manages a little twirl, hiding the strain she feels. “Damn right I am!” She takes the bowl and plops down on the couch next to Barry, her muscles relieved.

Barry leans towards her, just slightly, before scooting away a bit, still afraid to hurt her. She feels a weight in her stomach, a guilt, that her own husband is afraid to touch her. And not for fear of his own pain, not for any selfish reason. No.  _ No _ , she thinks,  _ The goddamn nerd’s too good for that. Too good to me. _

“First meal!” he says cheerfully, “Taako made some good ravioli.”

“It’s  _ mushroom mezzaluna in garlic sauce _ , you uncultured swine!” Taako shouts, muffled through a mouthful of the stuff as he turns on an episode of  _ How It’s Conjured. _ This episode: Raskraadun’s Somniferous Breath.

Lup grins and takes a small bite of her own, and the taste of actual for the first time since dying is something like joy. The mild cheese and mushrooms in a starchy pasta shell: it’s rich, but simple, for which she is glad. She knows more would be too much and she’d hate to insult Taako’s cooking. Her stomach rumbles again. She is  _ starving _ . She quickly shovels down more and bigger bites until a hand comes up to pull the bowl away from her face.

“Woah! Slow down!” Barry insists in a serious tone. “This body hasn’t eaten anything before. You don’t wanna spend tonight up vomiting.”

Lup frowns, but complies, setting the bowl on a side table for the moment. She is still hungry, enough that she almost feels a bit sick. But, she trusts him.

He stands after a moment. “Just a minute,” he assures as he quickly leaves the room.

Lup steals a couple more bites while he is gone. Taako looks at her with just a hint of judgement. “I know my cooking’s good, Lulu, but I’d listen to the nerd.”

She shakes her head, slightly bitter. She hates the way they are treating her like a child. “I’m a grown-ass woman1 I’m fine!”

Taako’s brow furrows and he nods with a sigh. He’s seen her act like this before. While he may not be sure of the reason, he knows not to press the matter any further.

Barry soon returns with a glass of water in hand. He smiles, dimples forming in his soft, round cheeks. There’s a glare from the light of the fantasy television on his glasses and, behind them, his eyes are kind, but tired. His body is fairly new, and his many deaths and sleepless nights have no effect on it, but his soul is old and worn and always, always searching for her. He cares so much. And it breaks Lup’s heart.

“Here.” He sits down again and offers her the glass.

“Thanks,” Lup says and gladly takes it, carefully sipping at the water. It is cool and refreshing. She hadn’t really realized between all the other sensations that she was thirsty. She drinks maybe a quarter of it before setting it aside, reluctantly remembering to pace herself. She looks back at Barry and he is still looking at her, just observing, with a gentle look full of nothing less than adoration. Lup smiles. “Take a picture, nerd. It’ll last longer.” 

He blushes,  _ always so easily flustered, _ and looks down, to the television, to the window, back down, and back to Lup, all while stuttering out some sort of reply. “O-oh, it’s just- well, ya know- I mean-” He clears his throat and looks her in the eye. “You really are beautiful.”

It is just like he used to act almost a hundred years ago, the nervous scientist, afraid to ask out the pretty girl who all the while adored him just the same. Lup feels her heart skip a beat and, for a moment, she focuses, trying her hardest to block out the other senses and just carefully lean in. She kisses him on the nose, plump and crooked from a break when he was young, over a century ago. A single kiss is less than he deserves, she thinks, but it is the most she can manage right now. She wants more, she truly does. Some part of her deep down feels broken. She wonders if it will ever heal. Yet, Barry’s flushed, smiling face as she sits back is enough, if just for now. “You are too,” she says.

“Ugh! Get a room you two!” Taako exclaims as he crosses the room, carrying his empty bowl back towards the kitchen.

“This is our house!” Barry replies.

“Be that as it may, you have  _ fine company _ who  _ served you dinner _ . At the very least, I’ll leave you two some privacy.” He winks as he leaves the room. Barry sighs. Lup laughs. She hears Taako running the faucet for a moment and then climbing the stairs to his room and shutting the door.

Lup slowly finishes most of her meal before finding herself regretfully full. Barry takes the bowls to the kitchen and comes back to help her up off the couch. “You,” he begins, “had ought to get some rest.”

“Aw, come on, Bar!” she whines as they began walking towards the stairs, “It’s just nine o’clock! Where’s the wine? The party?”

“No, no. None of that. Not tonight.”

“Oooh,” Lup begins, as flirtatiously as she can remember. She drags a finger down his chest, the sensation being very little for her and therefore entirely tolerable. “Something else in mind for tonight?”

“What? No!” Barry stammers out, much louder than he had intended, “I-I just don’t think we… we should… not yet what with your body being…”

Lup sighs harshly. “Oh. I see.” Her words are short and sharp. She won’t admit that he’s right, even though she knows it. She doesn’t even just know it deep down. She completely knows it, but she also feels as though that fact makes her some sort of failure. And she cannot have that.

Barry senses her discontent. He explains, “Lup, it’s nothing you’ve done, it’s just that I think it might not be the safest.”

“No, no,” she admits, “I understand.”

There’s a moment of silence. “Good. Okay.”

* * *

 

That night, Lup has a terrible dream, but not quite a nightmare. She is back; alone in the umbrella. It is cold and dark, but she can sense neither. She merely knows them as facts, but she senses nothing. She just exists inside her mind with nothing outside. It is peaceful. It feels addictive. It is almost good.

But, it’s not. She knows this and it scares her. Lup tries to open her eyes, but there is nothing to see. Reach out, but there is nothing to feel. She needs Taako. Needs Barry. Needs  _ somebody! _ But there is no one. Just alone. Just dark. Lost. Nothing. Quiet. Alone.

She wakes up in a cold sweat, still trembling, mind still racing in fear. It is dark, but the moonlight streaming in from the window is enough that she can see. She is real and this is the world she has to live in: one always sensing and living and changing. It should be better, but she is still terrified.

Barry is fast asleep next to her. He stirs a little as she sits up. She reaches out to touch him and- no. She doesn’t want to wake him. Doesn’t want to be a burden. An intense guilt washes over her, amplifying the panic in her mind.  _ Such a burden. A terrible wife. He’d be so much better off if I- _

She quietly stands and flees the room, locking herself in a bathroom. The light against the bright white tile gives her a headache. She slumps against the wall and sobs. It’s all too much. The light is too bright. She  _ isn’t enough. Can I ever be enough again? _ She grips a forearm in her hand, grasping at something to steady herself as she shakes. And again in this room, she is alone.

_ Alone, alone, too much, not enough, so much, so bright, he’ll hate me, I’m too far gone and know he’ll HATE ME! _

She screams. She feels a terrible pain in her arm. She retracts her hand from where she had grabbed to find a perfect mark of it left. The skin is red and painfully shiny, even dark, charred towards the edges. The hand itself smells of smoke. She sobs again. The pain itself focuses her. A brand new body and already a new scar. It would definitely scar. It hurt so, so much. And some part of her felt she deserved it. And she believed it.

“Lup? Lup! Oh my gods…” She hears Barry shaking the doorknob and knocking panickedly. “Lup, are you okay? Say something, please! Honey..?”

“What’s going on?” It’s Taako.

“Lup’s in the bathroom. She-she screamed and it’s locked and she won’t say anything and I-”

“For fuck’s sake, oh my god’s. LUP, I SWEAR TO ISTUS IF YOU DO NOT OPEN THIS DOOR I WILL BUST IT THE FUCK DOWN!” His voice cracks on the  _ fuck _ under the immense worry.

“Babe, I don’t wanna come in if you don’t want us to, but… just, say something?” Barry sounds so lost. She wants to open the door and hold him and tell him that it is all okay and she is okay and she definitely did not just burn her arm and promise that such a thing certainly will not happen again. Yet, for some reason, she can’t bring herself to do any.

“I’m so sorry, Barry.”

“Sorry? Sorry for what? You don’t have to be sorry for anything! Just come back out? Please?” His voice is rough, but his words are always so soft. Gods, she loves him so much.

“That’s it,” Taako announces, “I’m gonna-”

“Takko, no!” Barry argues, “Just…” There’s a hint of magic in the air as he barely even mutters the simple spell. The lock clicks and the door flies open. Lup tucks her arm under the hem of her sleep shirt. Taako and Barry kneel on either side of her, both still in their pajamas.

“What the hell, Lulu? What happened?”

“Lup, are you okay? Are you alright? You can tell me I-”

She breaks down crying and hangs her head. “I shouldn’t have done it I just… I’m sorry. It was an accident.”

“What was?” Barry asks, but Taako already noticed the arm under her shirt. He gently puts a hand on her elbow.

“Let us see, Lulu.”

She complies. She hears Barry gasp and Taako sigh. “Please don’t be mad,” she pleads.

“Oh my gods, Lup, I-” Barry is too taken aback for words. “I- I’m not mad, but why would you-? How did this-?”

“I’ll call Merle,” Taako declares, “Barold, can you wrap it up for now?”

“R-right. Of course I can… I… Right.”


	3. Too Many Words

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lup has to open up if any progress is going to be made. Lucky for her, Barry is always willing to listen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some fluff in this one to make up for last week. <3

The sun is just beginning to rise as Lup hears Taako on the other side of the door, talking with Merle on his Stone of Farspeech. “Yeah. She just got it back, there was an accident and… Uh-huh… Look, look, just… Huh? Then, just leave ‘em alone! ...Why not? ...Huh. Well, fine. That’s fine. Just get here, yeah? Okay. Thanks.”

Lup lays in her bedroom, on the bed with her arm wrapped in a thick layer of bandage and gauze. Even the covering over the wound intensifies the burning pain. She shifts her arm every so often, just a bit, just to feel the fabric drag against the burn with a harsh sting.

Barry sits next to her in a chair pulled up next to the bed, running a hand through his short hair. He looks wracked with guilt. Lup wants to just explain to him it isn’t his fault.  _ It was me. It was all me. I was stupid!  _ “I’m sorry,” is all she can manage.

Barry looks to her with a look of almost sorrow. “Lup, no, you-“

There’s a staticky sound as Taako hangs up and quickly strides back into the bedroom. “Well, Merle’s on his way. Cap’ was already staying over, so he’s watchin’ his kids for the night.” He sighs and sits at Lup’s feet. She pulls her legs back a bit. “Lulu, help me out here. Memory’s not like it used to be. But, how long has it been since this last happened? Back on the road?”

Lup sniffles and thinks for a moment. “Hundred-thirty-some years.”

“Right.” He nods solemnly.

“But, why, Lup?” Barry asks, desperation showing in his voice.

“It was an accident!” That part is mostly true. “I-I just couldn’t sleep a-and I went to the bathroom and i-it must have been some accident with produce flame.” She shrugs, trying to get back her typical nonchalance. “Really. Don’t even worry ‘bout it, Bar.”

Barry shakes his head and raises a hand up to her cheek. She tilts her head into his touch, the gentle warmth a focusing comfort. “Lup… please don’t lie to me.”

“I’m not! I would never-“

“Hon, please,” he says, ever so gently, “You can con any stranger you like, but I know you.” Barely moving the hand on her cheek, he taps a finger to her right ear. “This one twitches when you lie.”

Lup swears under her breath. Of course he would know that.  _ Of fucking course my perfect husband knows that. _

Barry sighs and looks at her in her reddened, brownish eyes. “Just… can you look me in the eye and promise me that’s what happened?”

She closes her eyes, breathes, and looks back at him. His eyes are a faded blue with worried wrinkles along them and…  _ oh my gods has he really been crying that much? _ “I…” She takes a deep breath, refusing to let the few remaining tears she sheds affect her composure. “It really was an accident. I promise that, Barry, I didn’t mean it!” She looks him in the eye.

Barry wipes away a few of her tears with his thumb. “Okay. That’s alright. Thank you for telling me.”

Taako scoots up on the bed to settle by her shoulder, where he rubs soothing circles into the muscle, just like he used to do when they were young. She finally does start to calm down.

There is a knock at the door. Everyone pauses for a breath. “I’ll go get that,” Barry offers. He leans down to kiss Lup, but stops just short again.

“It’s okay!” she insists sharply.

He laughs nervously and leaves just a small kiss on her forehead. “Be right back.”

Taako stays right by her side, keeping up a light massage, and only a few minutes later, Barry returns with a short and very tired looking Merle at his side. “Ya’ just haaad to go off and get hurt at  _ four a.m. in the goddamn morning _ , didn’t ya’?”

He looks tired and disheveled, acting annoyed, but she knows he got here as fast as he could by use of cannon, and the smirk he wears reveals how he enjoys just visiting. He chuckles as he walks next to her, pushing away the chair where Barry had sat. He pats her shoulder gingerly. “But, for real, kid, it’s good to see ya’ back in the flesh.” He gestures to the wrappings around her arm. “May I?”

Lup smiles, keeping up that laid back image, even as Barry and Taako watch with a silence sense of grim. “Sure thing, old man,” she speaks in a lilting voice and begins to hastily uncover her arm.

“Eh, careful now,” Merle insists, swatting her hand away and unwrapping it much more delicately. “Jeez, kid. How’d this even happen?” he asks in a sort of surprise as he reaches the burn, which has mostly turned into a hot patch of reddish splotches outlined by black.

Lup looks away from Merle, staring off blankly at the wall, as she shrugs. “What’s magic without a few accidents here and there?” She shook her head critically. “No, no. It just wouldn’t be art, Merle.”  _ Twitch. _ She runs a hand through her hair, trying to subtly still her ear.  _ Damn weird elf reflex. _

Merle looks at her skeptically, then back at the arm, removing the bandage entirely. “Yeah, yeah. Just maybe keep the practice to a reasonable hour and with a bit more caution.”

“Psh!” Lup dismisses, “What happened to the Cool, Risk-Taking Space Dad?”

“He got old.” Merle prepares his holy book and mutters some incantation, waving a hand over the wound. Lup seethes as there is a faint sting, but holds still. Taako grips her other arm tight as he watches diligently.

A greenish light follows the dwarf’s hand as he finishes the spell, causing Lup’s arm to visibly knit itself back together. Quickly, the painful, blistering mark was replaced by smooth skin. Just a bit duller and paler than the rest of her golden brown complexion. Certainly a scar, but much fainter than if she had allowed it to heal on its own.

“There. Now, try not to let this happen again,” Merle says as he closes up the  _ X-Treme Teen Bible _ and wraps some fresh bandages over the scar, just to be safe.

“No promises.” Lup winks. Taako’s hand tightens around her arm, nails pressing into the skin insistently. She looks to see him frowning. She sighs and turns back to Merle. “But I’ll try,” she corrects. Taako’s grip lightens up.

“Good.” Merle yawns. “Well, I oughta get goin’ back. Some of us have kids we’re responsible for,” he grumbles as he leaves.

“Shit!” Taako curses, letting go of Lup’s arm and leaping off the bed. “Agnes’s getting back from school today!” He glances in the mirror and casts a glamour for the day.

“Oh, right, the kid.” Barry nods. “So are you taking him to your place or back here or..?”

“Oh. Um…” Taako looks to Lup questioningly. Typically, he does just bring Angus to their house when he is already staying there. She knows what he means to ask.  _ Are you okay with having people around? _

“Sure, Koko!” she answers, “Boy Wonder deserves a chance to give his aunt a hug, dontcha think?”

“Right on, Lulu.” And with that, Taako runs out the door to find a change of clothes before he leaves Lup and Barry alone entirely.

Lup stands, a bit quickly, and falls right back onto the soft mattress. She lies on her back, looking defeated. Barry immediately steps toward her in response, but she stalls him with a single hand. “I’m  _ fine. _ ”

Barry sighs. He walks over to sit next to her on the bed. “Are you sure?”

Lup groans and flops over onto her stomach, pressing her face into the covers, so that her voice is muffled when she speaks a soft. “No.”

Barry sets a hand on her back, the simple gesture grounding her somewhat. “Yeah. Didn’t think so.” He begins moving his hand in a slow circle. “Look, Lup, babe, dearest, love of my life and unlife, I really just wanna help you,” he speaks in a voice much gentler than his typical gruff tone, “What can I do to help?”

Lup finally raises her head from the sheets.  _ Damn actual oxygen-needing lungs. _ She takes a deep breath and sighs it back out. “I guess… I just want things to be normal again. I wanna be treated like myself! Not like some fragile little thing. I’m still  _ me _ , Barry!”

Barry nods and hums thoughtfully. “Okay. I understand. And I know you’re the same, Lup, I do. It’s just… typical activities could be risky a-and after that panic attack I-”

“But I’m doing better!” Lup interjects. “It was one panic attack. A little overstimulation. I had  _ just _ gotten out of that thing, but I’m better now!”

“So we’re not counting last night, then?”

Lup sighs. “That was… different.”

“Yes. But, it was still scary. I-it still matters, Lup!” Barry is stuttering and shaking his head like he always does when he gets afraid. “Lup, I… I didn’t know what happened to you. You didn’t say anything. You… you could’ve been…”

And that’s when it hits Lup. That’s when she realizes what Barry’s been thinking this whole time.  _ He’s afraid of losing me again. _ “I’m not, though,” she assures him as she sits up, turning to place a hand against his cheek, “I’m not going anywhere ever again.” She slowly closes her eyes, leans in and closes the gap, kissing him on the lips.

Barry just faintly kisses back for a few moments before pulling away just enough to speak. “Promise?” he asks quietly.

“Promise.”

They sit like that for awhile, slowly kissing, Lup moving from Barry’s lips to his cheek, to his jaw. Barry, in turn, responds with open-mouthed kisses across Lup’s neck, all incredibly gentle. And for the first time in a long time, it feels nice.

The kissing eventually devolves into cuddling and that into napping, tangled up in each other’s limbs, making up for lost sleep. All until there is a loud slam of the heavy door closed and Barry awakes. Lup is faintly aware of Barry getting up, pressing a kiss to her temple, and getting out of bed, but responds with little more than a groan and reaching her arms towards where he was  _ supposed _ to be holding her. Quickly, though, she falls back into the warmth of sleep.

When Lup does awake, she looks out the window to see it must be about noon. The glass is cold to the touch in a way that makes her fingers ache. Winter is coming in suddenly this year. She heads downstairs, drawn by the sounds of laughter and familiar voices. Just down the stairs and around the corner, in the sitting room, Lup finds a welcoming scene. Kravitz sits in Taako’s armchair. Taako, unwilling to give up his spot nor an opportunity to be close to his boyfriend, sits in Kravitz’s lap. Angus sits close by on the couch with Barry on the other side. They all have steaming mugs of hot chocolate in hand.

Angus is the first to notice Lup watching from the doorway with a content smile. “Aunt Lup!” he shouts as he jumps to his feet, setting his mug on the coffee table, and runs to hug her, nearly knocking the air out of her at collision.

“Oof, careful there, kid.” Lup chuckles, patting his fluffy, black hair.

“Sorry, ma’am,” Angus apologizes as he lets go and steps back, “It’s just nice to actually see you with a physical form.”

Lup nods. The kid  _ had _ only ever seen her in lich form before. He’d always been perfectly nice, but still, maybe not the best first impression an aunt could make. “Don’t worry ‘bout it. No harm done. And if you had hurt me, I’d just sue you for all you’re worth.”

Angus laughs nervously, fairly used to the twin’s form of humor. “Of course, ma’am.”

“Always so formal.” Lup musses his hair a bit. “Yo, Koko, I think your kid’s gotten taller.”

“He has done  _ no such thing! _ ” Taako insists angrily. “How  _ dare _ you say such a thing?” Kravitz laughs in his deep voice, leading Taako to hit him lightly on the chest. “Don’t encourage her!” He tries to look angry, but clearly breaks into a wide grin. Despite Angus being perhaps the most mature of the lot, Taako constantly refuses to believe that his boy could ever grow up.

“She’s right, you know,” Kravitz adds before turning to Lup, “I’m glad we could work this out for you.”

“Me too, Skeletor,” Lup jokes.

“Nice to see ya’ awake, hon.” Barry stands and kisses Lup on the cheek. “Want me to get ya’ some hot cocoa?”

Lup smiles. “Only always.” She sits on the couch, stealing Barry’s spot and delighting that it is still warm. The man is practically a furnace. Angus sits back where he was. She stretches her arms and looks around. Everybody is looking at her, but not out of fear or caution, but they are genuinely happy to see her there.

Barry,  _ her husband, _ quickly comes back with a mug of hot chocolate for her and sits next to her, only complaining a little about how she stole his spot. The drink is delicious and the room is warm and quiet other than the banter and laughter and she is surrounded by nothing but loving family.

And, in this moment, Lup really does feel herself again.


	4. Candlenights Special

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A happy occasion. (Pretty much just fluff my dudes. Implied sexual content.)

Candlenights is, as always, a large family event. Taako and Kravitz, after having just purchased their new home in the growing city of New Phandolin, insisted on hosting this year. At least Taako did.

Lup and Barry are spending the night over to be present on Candlenights morning without any of the fuss about early morning travel. Taako has the house decorated fabulously in bright lights of blue and white for the season, nearly every surface brushed with  _ Taako-brand _ glitter. Many namesake candles illuminate the halls and rooms, all of which extinguished by Kravitz for the night, deeming them to be fire hazards, much to Taako’s dismay.

Yet, from the moment they entered the house, Lup has been constantly thanking whatever force put Kravitz with Taako to prevent the house from becoming a complete and total mess. Even with his cleaning, Lup has already tripped over multiple immaculately wrapped boxes and one of Angus’s dreidels.

Now, Lup waits on the couch, silencing spell keeping out the loud wails that have filled the realm, eyes flicking from the book she has barely been reading, to the window, to the clock on the wall. Fifteen minutes past four in the morning. She yawns and her head hangs a bit as her eyes flicker shut and-- _ no _ . She forces herself back alert. She had snuck out of bed while Barry was fast asleep after they were both caught up late into the night with the busy work of soul collecting in the winter season.

Still, despite her total exhaustion, she convinces herself to stay awake and wait for Taako to come home. Just to be sure he’s alright.  _ Have to know he’s safe. Just stay up. Just stay awake. Just…  _

Lup sits up straight with a start at the sound of a slamming door. There’s sweat where her skin met the fabric of the couch and her mouth tastes stale. The golden colors of morning are barely streaming through the window.  _ Shit. Fell asleep. _

There are a few footsteps marked by the jingling of small bells behind her. She turns and finds a truly remarkable sight: Taako, home and safe, in a ridiculous elf costume, scowling in the cold, accompanied by Magnus in a similar getup, holding a sleeping Angus in his arms (when did Angus get out?), and Merle looking rather pleased with himself in a red fur suit.

For a moment, she thinks she is still sleeping. Then, she manages to come to her senses and completely break down laughing. “Oh my gods! What the  _ hell _ are you wearing?” She holds a hand over her mouth, trying to somewhat muffle her cacophonous chuckling as tears well in her eyes.

“Shut up!” Taako yells back, “And  _ you’re welcome _ for silencing the screams, yeah?”

Still, Lup can’t stop laughing her ass off at the completely horrible outfits.

Angus stirs and sits up in Magnus’s arms. “Mm, what’s going on, sirs?” he asks blearily.

“Nothin’, Bubaloo, go back to sleep,” Taako hushes as the kid shuts his eyes again.

Lup manages to quiet down, feeling a bit bad for waking Angus up, but mostly still just entertained by the sight in front of her.

“Jeez, kid, you too,” Merle speaks up, stepping over closer to Lup, “You look like you’ve hardly gotten any rest at all.”

Lup shakes her head. “Don’t need it; ‘m an elf.”

“Bull-fucking-shit,” Taako declares, “I got the same damn genes and I am ready to pass the hell out.” He hangs a heavy coat on the rack next to the door and whispers to Magnus, “Second door on the left upstairs. Tuck the kid in,” before striding quickly towards the stairs.

Magnus nods and follows instructions, carrying off the short boy.

Merle, however, stays by Lup. “Come on, now. Bluejeans’ll freak if he wakes up and you’re gone and I don’t wanna listen to his whining in the morning.”

Lup rolls her eyes, knowing his complaining is only half genuine, and nods. “Fine. I surrender.” She smirks and stands, walking over and upstairs, Merle following close behind as if to be sure she got to her room safe. They part with a “G’night” from the old dwarf and a smirk and middle finger from Lup.

She smiles at the sight of her husband, sleeping deeply under no less than five blankets, before lazily climbing in behind him. She wraps her arms around him and lets her legs slide against his. She chuckles, noting the fabric. He had been too tired upon returning home to even bother changing out of his jeans. The absolute dork. She loves him so much.

Barry gives a small whimper at her presence and rolls over to face her. He yawns and wakes up just a bit, still not opening his eyes. “Hi,” he mutters.

“Hi,” Lup whispers back with a smile. She kisses him lightly on the nose.

He wraps his arms around her waist and snuggles even closer, pressing his face against her chest as he falls quickly back asleep; Lup not far behind.

Lup wakes up a few hours later to the feeling of Barry moving away from her. She tightens her arms around his shoulders. “Noooo,” she whines, “Staaaaay.”

Barry chuckles, sitting up and reaching over her to the bedside table. “Just wanna get my glasses, babe.” He finally lies back down and presses a kiss to her forehead. “Happy Candlenights.”

“You too,” she replies mid-yawn. She kisses him on the soft, perfectly round cheek, and smiles.

“Come on, honey,” Barry begins as he attempts to sit up against Lup, pulling him down with nothing but dead weight. “Really, we should get up. You know Taako’s gonna be pissed if we’re late to breakfast.”

Lup slides her thin fingers under the hem of Barry’s shirt, causing him to twitch as he suppresses the urge to giggle.  _ Ticklish nerd _ . “I have an idea that should only take about twenty minutes.”

“Lup, honey, we talked about this,” Barry says, still not pushing her away, “Just. I don’t want to push you too far and I-”

“Barry.” She looks him dead in the eye. “I’m fine. Promise.”

Barry sighs, looks down, looks to her arm. Lup notices and pulls her sleeve down over the scar. “Tonight. As long as you’re fine today.”

Lup smiles with excitement. She can see the effort he has to put in to keep his composure from even this much intimacy. It has been a  _ decade _ and she too misses even the slightest touch, finally readjusting to sensation, she convinces herself she will be  _ just fine _ . “Tonight, then!” She sits up with him and presses a kiss to his temple. “You better be ready then, Mr. Bluejeans.” She giggles as she climbs out of bed and begins to undress. Peering over her shoulder, she can see Barry already blushing a bit as he looks at her, but he quickly shakes it off and runs off to get a unseasonably cold shower.

The pair eventually make it downstairs, following the scent of eggs and pancakes and coffee. They find everyone else in Taako’s vast kitchen with nothing but a counter separating it from the dining room.

Angus sits next to Magnus at the counter, both digging into their own massive stacks of pancakes. Merle nurses a coffee, checking the time for when his kids and captain are supposed to meet him here after the unexpected adventuring of last night. It’s around half past nine. Another half an hour yet.

Taako, finally wearing real clothes, is rushing around the kitchen, adjusting various knobs on the stove and checking at each dish with Kravitz following close behind, pulling him for giggle-filled kisses.

“Mornin’!” Lup greats loudly as she enters the room.

“Mornin’, sis’! Barold.”

“Hello, Lup, Barry.”

“Good morning ma’am and sir!”

“Hey there!”

“Eh.”

Taako strides away from his cooking for just a moment, glass in either hand. “Mimosas!” he declares with a wink, handing them off to the couple.

“Um, isn’t it a little early for this, Taako?” Barry asks.

“Well, if you don’t drink it, I gladly will!” Taako offers, flashing a smile.

“I, uh, might have to take you up on that,” Barry says, trading in his flute glass of champagne and orange juice for a hot mug of coffee.

The rest of the morning is filled with more breakfast food than any group of people should feasibly be able to eat. Still, Taako insists they save room for the lunch he has planned. Finally Davenport shows up with Mavis and Mookie, Lucretia arriving soon after, unaccompanied, not that that was ever unusual for her. 

They end up sitting in a large circle in the living room across the couch, sitting chairs, and pillows strewn across the floor, each person ripping into their own pile of presents. Lup grins as she sees Angus unwrap the signed copy of the latest Caleb Cleveland novel she had bought for him. He smiles in the big, goofy, childish way Taako is always so afraid he’ll grow out of, and thanks her profusely before setting it next to the shiny new black wand Kravitz and Taako had made for him.

Lup has delighted to receive a new painting from Davenport: rolling green hills contrasted by a deep purple sky, embroidered by various red and yellow flowers, no doubt of Merle’s own design.

From Taako, a black crop top with neon red flames and the words “HOT STUFF.” She breaks down laughing upon seeing it and swears to wear it as soon as “it stops being so fuckin’ cold all the time!”

From Magnus, Lup finds a side table for their house, not that the wrapping made that any secret.

From Lucretia a coupon for a free massage from the business recently set up on the moon of all places with a note: “Bodies can be rough.”

Lastly, from Barry. Lup isn’t entirely certain what it could be from the fairly light rectangular wrapping. The box underneath doesn’t exactly clear things up either. Yet, under that, she finds something that makes her tear up: a brand new violin. She looks over to him a bit, not quite wanting to let him see how emotional she is over the instrument.

“Um,” he began, “It’s just, ya know, been awhile since you last played and I, uh, thought you might like a new one. If you don’t, it’s fine! I can just-”

He is suddenly cut off as Lup lunges forward, one hand to his face, kissing him silent. She pulls back after a moment with a smile. “I love it.”

Barry smiles and nods. “Great.”

From across the room, she can hear Taako talking as he pulls a small, wrapped box from his pocket, handing it off to Kravitz. “So, like, I just saw this in the market and it made me think of you so, ya’ know.”

Kravitz chuckles. “Okay! Let me see!” He carefully pulls off the wrapping paper, setting it aside, and opens the box to find, not ceremoniously displayed, a shining silver ring with a matching atop, decorated by two shining sapphires, one in either eye. He smiles brightly. “Wow. Thank you, Taako! I really do love it!” He slides it easily onto his middle finger. “Hmm,” he says in thought, “Just a bit tight.”

“Oh, try it on your ring finger,” Taako suggests, “And if you wanna get married too that’s cool and all. No pressure, though.” He says it so casually, so coolly, so absolutely non-dramatically that for a moment Lup wonders if that can really be her brother. The room falls silent.

Kravitz is completely frozen, head turned towards Taako, stunned. “I… what?”

“Hey, man, just a thought I had. You can keep the ring either way. Totally separate proposal here, my dude.” He clears his throat nervously, feeling all eyes fall towards him. “But, I, uh, really like you. So, ya know, I thought. If you want to. We could do it. Get married that is. Up to you.”

Kravitz’s face quickly melts into a smile as he slides the ring onto his other finger and quickly pulls his boyfriend-- _ fiance _ \-- into a kiss. “Yes. Yes, of course.”

The room erupts into applause with a whistle from Merle and a thunderous “Congratulations!” from Magnus. Angus’s jaw drops and for a moment he looks nothing short of elated, as though he sees this as another step in the way of having a complete family. Lup can already see throughout the room, however, that the people filling this room are nothing less than just that.

“Nice score, Koko!” Lup cheers out, immensely happy that her brother has finally found someone that makes him completely and ridiculously happy. She can see it on his face as he smiles and kisses him back before pushing him away.

“Just don’t make a big deal out of it, ya’ sap,” he teases before whispering, “I love you.”

The rest of the day is filled with laughing and stories and occasionally singing, finally brought to an end with the vast, lavish dinner Taako spent the day preparing. By the end of all the pheasant and latkes and stuffing and wine, just about everybody is ready to sleep.

After they see everybody off with goodbyes and head up to their room, Barry flops onto the impeccably soft mattress with a tired groan.

“Come on, Barold,” Lup whines, tapping a hand on the wall with a silencing spell as she closes the door, “We can’t just back out of plans like that.”

He chuckles and sits up. “I suppose not. You sure you’re-”

“Yessss,” she hisses as she steps slowly towards the bed, equally tired, but fueled by her pure excitement and lust.

“Okay, alright.” Barry nods, taking a breath to steady himself. “Just, let’s take this slow, yeah? For both of us.”

Lup bites her lips and nods in agreement as she slides to her knees in front of him. “Right. Of course.” And she means it. She pulls him down into a soft, messy kiss that gradually gets deeper, each pulling at the other’s clothes and running hands over the newly exposed flesh as they go on further, slowly, and passionately.

In the end, she really is glad they take it slow, as she nearly loses herself and singes the sheets a couple times. Beyond that, she is just glad to take the time, to merely be there, together, close, for the first time in so long her heart aches with the desire just to be with him.

And together, in such a vulnerable space, with nothing running through her mind beyond absolute wanting and desire for  _ her husband _ , Lup truly feels alive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope y'all enjoyed that! Really just needed for my girl to get better. I'm thinking maybe one or two chapters after this before wrapping it up.


	5. A Happy Ending

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Epilogue: Lup gets it all back together.

Lup comes back through the door, shaking the snow from her scarf and hanging it by the wall. “Babe!” she calls out, “I’m home!”

“Welcome back!” Barry calls, quickly running out from down the hall, soot staining his face and shirt.

Lup turns and laughs at the mess he managed to make of himself. “Accident happen in the lab again?” she asks, walking closer to wipe some of the soot from his cheek with her thumb, leaning in to leave a kiss on the cleaned spot.

“Yeah, yeah,” he mutters, staining a kiss on her cheek in turn.

“Anything cool?”

“Shh, shh, I’ll get to that in a minute,” he says with a dismissive wave of his hand, “How was physical therapy?”

Lup rolls her eyes. “Slow. And boring. I already know how to walk, Barry.”

“I know, I know, but it’s important!” he insists.

“So you’ve been saying.”

“So has Taako, and Magnus, and Lucretia, and Merle-”

“Okay, whatever. You’ve proved your point. I’m still going!”

“Thank you.” He sounds genuine. Never anything less from the man who wears his heart not just on his sleeve, but anywhere you looked at him. His love for her is apparent in everything he does. And everyday, Lup feels both grateful and undeserving.

“Yeah, whatever. Now, what about this new science stuff?” she asks, excited, quickly flashing him a smile in the hopes that that will convince him to just forget therapy and get right to the more interesting matter.

Barry smiles back and takes her by the hand. “Come on. I think you’re gonna like this.”

He leads her down the hall and downstairs to the cellar, which they have neatly converted into a lab, much like that from aboard the Starblaster, complete with all the notes they could salvage and everything one might need to study reanimation, evocation, and interplanar science.

Across the room, against the white wall, there is a small metal box surrounded by various tubes of fluorescent light with small gemstones in each corner. The side facing them is entirely glass for observation.

Barry leads her to the box and hands her a pair of protective, shaded goggles. He dons a pair himself and pulls a small metal figure from a drawer: a bot, crab-like in shape with a small key on the back. He winds it and places it in the box. “Observe.” He hits closes the top, presses a button, and takes a step back.

There is a bright, almost blinding flash and the all encompassing sound of electricity throughout the room. When the light subsides, the box is empty: the bot gone.

“Congrats,” Lup says, “You killed it?”

“No, no, no.” Barry shakes his head. “ _ Moved _ it. Somewhere special, too.”

Lup raises an eyebrow, interest piqued. “Where did you-?”

She is cut off as the light and the fizzing sound return and, with it, the bot in the box, now holding a fruit of sorts in its grippers. The fruit is no larger than an apple, but perfectly round, with thin red skin, tinting the outside image of its purple flesh.

“Is that…” Lup begins, dazzled, “Is that a globe fruit?”

“It is, indeed!” Barry says, removing the goggles with a smile, “Your favorite!”

“But I haven’t seen those in decades! Not since…” She pauses, unable to pin down the exact time and place.

“Tesseralia,” Barry corrects, “Cycle 30.” He shuffles through the piles of notes to retrieve the paper describing the plant, scrawled in Merle’s terrible handwriting with Taako’s glitter gel pen culinary notes. “I found a way to cross planes, but only  _ very _ temporarily. I-I know it’s not much, but it’s just the beginning and I-”

“Barry, this is amazing!” Lup interrupts, pulling him into a quick hug before sitting at a desk to look through his notes and blueprints for the mechanism.

“Th-thanks! I mean, I don’t know if we could ever get it to be a lasting, stable state, but there’s still a lot of potential! I mean, we could check up on old worlds, even our home world!”

“For sure!” Lup agrees, skimming through the pages of math for the more arcana-centered aspects. “I have some components that would improve this.”

“Good, right, thanks! I-I mean, just imagine what all we could do! We could revisit the robotic world, evaluate the damage done on the plane of thought, even contact whatever’s left of the IPRE base!”

“I’m gonna get my fuckin’ fifteen dollars back!” Lup declares, standing suddenly, a fiery look in her eye.

Barry nods quickly. “Or… yeah. That too.”

“Yes!” she shouts, “I gotta call Taako! We got some stealin’ to plan!” She quickly bolts for the door before suddenly turning back and pulling Barry into a hard kiss. She pulls back laughing. “You’re brilliant and perfect! Thank you and I love you!”

She sprints from the room and Barry watches, smiling like an idiot, as she runs off, immeasurably happy to have her back.

Within months, Lup and Barry have the machine down to a belt capable of teleporting entire humanoids across planes for over an hour. While Lup praises Barry for being the genius behind much of the project, anybody actually watching them work can see just how bright she is as she takes the lead on the improvements the initial design and cracks the key to making it work on the large-scale. Lup is truly reinvigorated, inviting over the gang for hot cocoa and heist-plotting.

The theft goes off mostly as planned, mostly successful, and without casualties. A success in Barry’s book, even if Lup stays somewhat upset over the loss of her precious money. Nonetheless, it inspires her to work even more, occasionally bringing back more relics from distant planes, surprising Taako with long lost ingredients, and even spending time with Barry on extraterrestrial beaches, reminiscing of not all that long ago.

Within months, she is running and sparring just as well as before, if not better. Though, she still wakes up at night filled with terror. She keeps that part a secret for as long as she can.

One night, however, she dreams of dying. Not like all those times from their century of travel, but really, officially dying in a cold, empty cave. There is the sharp blade across her back: in and of itself not bad, but the following tug of poison through her veins, pulling her down, away from her friends, from her family, from her life, from her love. It’s all just gone- no! She is  _ leaving _ it and it is  _ her fault _ that she is gone. Lost. Dead.

And awake. She wakes up to find the space in bed next to her, where Barry had been the night before, empty. She sits up, hands tearing through the blankets, as if he could be hiding, just out of sight. “Barry?” she asks in a whisper. The tears are already past her eyes, running down her face. She sniffles, suddenly cold, and draws her knees to her chest, breathing rapidly, her chest constricting so that she can’t  _ just breathe _ .  _ Where is he? Why is he gone? I’m alone. It was my fault and now I’m- _

“Lup?” Her thoughts are interrupted by a familiar voice. She looks to the doorway to their bedroom to find Barry, silhouetted against the light of the hallway. He sounds tired and worried, but she can’t even see his face clearly in the dark.

“Oh,” she breathes, immensely relieved to see him alive, but also feeling incredibly stupid, “Hi, babe.” She yawns for show and rubs at her eyes in an attempt to subtly wipe the tears away before he could see. “You’re up early.”

“I just had to go to the bathroom.” Barry walks towards her, climbing back into bed and placing a steady hand on her shoulder. “You’re crying.” It’s a statement, really, but it means more and she knows it.

“No, I’m not. I’m just… tired. That’s it,” Lup hates lying to him almost as much as she hates worrying him over her own mistake.

Barry sighs. “Nightmares?”

Lup takes a moment, wondering whether or not she could keep pretending to be fine. She knows she isn’t. “Yeah.”

He leans in to hug her.  _ He’s so warm. It almost isn’t fair, _ she thinks. “I’m never goin’ anywhere, Lup. And I will always find you if you get lost.”

Lup sobs, clinging to the arm he wrapped across her chest. She spends a moment there, just crying, not saying anything. He already knows anything she could possibly tell him.

“In the morning, let’s talk about some things we could do that might help. Okay?” Barry proposes.

She nods, otherwise completely still against him.

“Okay good.” Barry helps her relax and lie back down. She still holds tight to him as the two gradually fall back asleep, staying that way through the night.

Lup  _ hates _ the idea of professional intervention at first. She hated physical therapy and sees no reason why this could be any better. But, she relents, and agrees to one session with a therapist, so long as Barry does the same. He at first acts completely ignorant to why he would even  _ need  _  one, until Lup mentions his own struggles with nightmares and general history of being a human form of anxiety. He agrees.

A couple months later, both show significant improvement. They arrive home late one night from a quick mission out after some stragglers from a cult they had disbanded last week. The portal dissipates behind them, along with their uniforms and scythes.

“Ugh,” Lup mutters, “I am headed straight for bed.”

“I’ll meet ya’ there. Don’t forget your meds!” Barry says, running off for a shower.

“Same with yours!” Lup calls after him, preferring to prestidigitate the blood from her skin.

After both are clean, took their pills, put their pajamas on, and then promptly took most off each other, they are lying in bed, Lup sitting on Barry’s hips, his hands in her hair as they kiss, deep and longing and making up for all the years they never did. Barry pulls back, gasping for air before he speaks. “Hey?”

“Yeah?” Lup asks, mind hazy with want.

“I just… gods, I am so lucky to have you.”

He always makes it so clear and he never doesn’t mean it, but every time he actually says it, some part of Lup lights up, even if she doesn’t let it show. “Well yeah! Duh!” She laughs. “And I’m real happy to have you too,” she admits.

He kisses her again, down her neck, across her sternum. Every part of her feels alive and real and loved. And she loves him too, with every bit of her real, beating heart. And there, in his arms, like a hundred times before, Lup finally feels perfect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so so much for reading!!! This has been so much fun to write and I have loved hearing back from everybody. There's just been so many positive comments and it means a lot to me. This was the last chapter of my first TAZ fic so thank you for reading it the whole way through. Stay awesome! I love you all!

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Remember, kudos are great and I need your comments to live. Love y'all! <3


End file.
